Part One: Surviving the High School Years

Do you suppose that the reason we dread the high school years often has something to do with our own memories of high school? It was supposed to be the "best time of our life", but many of us remember it as an emotional roller coaster. Before we can plan how to help our teenagers through this period, we need to examine our own feelings about this stage. Were you one of the "cool" people? Were you a "nerd"? 

Did you have a close group of friends who were oblivious to peer pressures? Or did you spend high school behaving in a manner that you hope your teens don't find out about? Whatever the past was for you, it is important to understand that your teenagers need your guidance and support NOW, every bit as much as when they were small children (or even more). Here are some great tips to make this stage enjoyable and exciting (yes, for YOU as well as them!)

Make sure your investments are sound (as in a good CD player). Forget "blue" chip stocks, and try Hostess, Lays or a no name brand. Keep your house stocked with pop and chips. Why? Because when it comes to snacks, if you stock them, they will come. Teenagers will appear out of the woodwork. Home-baked chocolate cookies work really well too. Now, you may ask why anyone would want to attract teenagers. But folks, if you make your home the place where teenagers meet, you have control over their activities. For years, my house has been the place to be. I have old living room furniture that has needed to be replaced for about 10 years. But then I might get upset if pop were spilled on it. So I cheerfully relish the fact that my house is "comfortable". It is often noisy (noisy isn't the half of it, wait until I tell you about the sound studio!!)

I always know where my teens are and what they are doing. Of course, I also have half the teenagers in the neighbourhood here too, but over the years I have come to genuinely LOVE their company (most of the time). Is every teen that comes through my door a delightful human being? Not always, but it is especially the troubled teens who need a safe haven. And selfishly, if I feel a certain young person might be a bad influence on one of my teens, I especially want that one in my sight.

Do I feel resentful that other parents can just send their kids to me? No, it is a privilege to be so involved in the lives of tomorrow's leaders! Some of the other parents also have an open-door policy, and others do a lot of the driving to various events like skating, concerts etc., send snacks to my house, so most people do their part. And yes, some of the parents don't contribute, and that's OK too.

Sound studio….. the real reason I suffer from migraines. My 14 year old son is a passionate musician. It appears that this will be his career direction. His room contains a bed, a desk, a bookshelf, a set of drums, an electric guitar, an acoustic 12-string guitar, an electronic keyboard, an amplifier, at least one microphone with stand etc. 

Several times a week the other kids come over to "jam". I tried to complain to the music store owner (by now a personal friend!) about the noise in my home, and he told me to be thankful the noise wasn't police sirens carrying my teen off to a correctional institute. OK, so I got no sympathy there….. Although an extreme example, the truth is I always know where my kids are, and what they are doing. See point 1 above.

Not everyone is in a position to supervise teenagers on a regular basis. Don't feel guilty about that. If the first two paragraphs make you feel a bit nauseous, then re-read the very end of paragraph 1. FIND a parent, youth group leader who really enjoys teenagers, someone you can trust, and then support them. Believe it or not, there are LOTS of people who love teenagers. (It's toddlers that scare me! I absolutely refuse to take a turn in the church nursery, there's my true confession. I loved my own kids at that age, but I would much rather have a group of teenagers!). Offer to supply snacks, do some driving, exchange your teen for a younger child if you have younger ones who need a companion. Be creative in finding ways to provide well-supervised activities for your teen, even if you don't feel able to have the open-door policy at your own house.

The important thing is to find someone whose values reflect your own. People who let their teens come over to my house know that an adult is always present, and that my family room is actually a converted dining room with a sliding GLASS door (ie. transparent).

What about the actual "high-school" part. You may be saying "I can handle the in-my-own-home stuff, but what about when they are at school"? Well, the connection is that when the teens are at your house, you are getting to know them. That gives you a pretty clear picture of your teen's peer group. That is half the battle. The other half comes in keeping those communication lines open with your teen.

Talking honestly about your own fears, whether it be drugs, sex, the recent wave of violence in the schools. Find a time when your teen is receptive to a chat (I recommend taking them out one-on-one to their favourite fast-food place - an excellent atmosphere for honest sharing. You might want to drive a bit to get to one further away for two reasons. One, the drive itself is a fabulous time to talk and two, there is less chance your teen will be seen OUT WITH MOM or DAD!)

Another benefit is that if things get tense, you both need to stay calm because you are in public, and your teen can't stomp off. This isn't supposed to be a nagging session though, this is SHARING. If your teen is non-communicative, just share YOUR feelings and then enjoy your time together. They are listening, whether you can tell or not, and they are probably feeling cared for even if they don't seem to care.

How do I know all this? Over the years, I have been blessed to have relationships with lots of teenagers who are NOW young adults. My own 19 year old daughter is a wonderful source of information, because she is now able to share with me what things she (and her friends) appreciated when they were in those high-school years. I have always had friends whose children were a bit older than mine, so that I could observe what worked and what didn't. (And so that I could be reassured that they turned out alright after seeing their difficult stages). Did they always live happily ever after? The hard reality is that we don't have complete control over our teenagers. We build the foundation when they are younger and then do our very best to parent them. There is no perfect parent, we all make mistakes. And you can be sure that your teens will point them all out!

Take heart In knowing that you care enough to want to be the best parent you can, forgive yourself your mistakes, and take solace in the fact that the vast majority of teens go through difficult stages and end up becoming more delightful adults than you might have imagined!