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10 Ways to help your Teenager develop Self-Discipline
Copyright 2001 Diane Wolf
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Don't rescue. As difficult as it is to watch our
teens flounder, it is far worse to raise young adults who cannot
take responsibility for their actions and expect Mom or Dad to
rescue them. This is a lot easier to enforce when they are young
and the consequences of their actions are less serious. I would
rather have a child in Grade 5 forget a lunch and have to rely
on classmates to share, than to have a high school student
forget a major essay at home on the day it is due! If you are
always reminding your children to take their lunch, books etc.,
then don't be surprised when your teenager is calling for you to
bring his gym bag or science project. As tough as it seems, you
can't always be available to rescue your child, so let them
learn that early.
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2. Gradually work yourself out of a job. I
believe it was the late Erma Bombeck who described parenting as
gradually becoming redundant. By the time your teens reach young
adulthood, you will want to make that transition from
parent/advisor to friend. It is easier to go through this
process if it is gradual. Start when they are young to let them
make decisions about clothing etc. so that when they are this
age they are experienced decision makers.
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Let them experience the consequences of their
own actions whenever possible (and if not dangerous). It may be
really obvious to you that your teen cannot possibly do a
complete essay in 2 hours on Sunday evening, but nagging him all
weekend will only make YOU the bad guy. Why not let him discover
on his own just how un-glamourous pulling an all-nighter really
is!
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Give one word reminders. Teenagers have a
notoriously short attention span, especially for nagging. Saying
just one word "Garbage" is really more effective than
a 5 minute lecture on the importance of taking responsibility,
or a litany of all the chores you had to do when you were her
age. They really do tune out after the first word or so, so make
it count!
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Trust them in the little things, and let them
grow. It is human nature that we tend to live up to the
expectations placed upon us. If someone believes that I am
dependable, it makes me really want to be as dependable as
possible. So show your teen that you trust them by giving them
opportunities to prove they are trustworthy. If your teen has
shown in the past that he or she is NOT trustworthy, give them
the chance to become trustworthy by starting small and working
up to more important tasks.
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Keep your sense of humour. Don't take yourself
too seriously. If your teen thinks you are the meanest parent in
the world, don't take it personally. I used to tell my kids that
I graduated top of my class in meanness school, and I was glad
that they didn't think I needed a refresher. This was NOT said
sarcastically, but with a smile and warmth, but the message came
through that telling me I am mean is NOT an insult.
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Give them regular responsibilities. Running a
household is a job requiring a TEAM effort, whether or not there
is a full-time parent in the home. Make your teen feel that they
are an important player on the team by giving them tasks that
are significant to the well-being of the family. I bet you have
never looked at setting the table or taking out the garbage
quite that way before.
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Pick your battles wisely. The teenage years are
an emotional mine field. Don't turn every issue into a Waterloo.
Decide which things are REALLY important and don't worry about
the little things. As Ann Landers said "Don't sweat the
small stuff." For example, you may decide that body
piercing is absolutely taboo, but then ease up on make-up or
hair colour.
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Insist on excellence. There is a common strategy
among teens and children to avoid having to do chores by doing
them so poorly, that we give up and decide it is easier to do
the job ourselves. Don't give in, this is a scam! Teach your
teen the standard you expect for the task, and insist that it is
done to that standard or will need to be redone. It may take 6
weeks of agony and constant inspection, but they will eventually
learn that it is easier to do it right the first time, than to
re-do it 10 times.
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Always give unconditional love. We need to
separate the feeling of love from the deliberate choice to show
love. We can't always FEEL very loving, but our teens need to
know that we will love and support them NO MATTER WHAT! Love is
not a reward for a job well-done, it is a constant state of
being accepted by our families, when things go well and when our
flaws are obvious, warts and all.
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