|
|
10 Steps to Improving Communication with your Teenager
Copyright 2001 Diane Wolf
-
Ask open-ended questions without interrogating.
Don't ask too many questions, try asking a question and sharing
some information yourself. If you aren't sure how to do this,
imagine your teenager is an adult acquaintance, and don't say
anything to your teen that you would not say to this person.
-
Take your teen out for a bite to eat in a quiet
coffee shop or restaurant (not one that he normally frequents
with his friends, he won't want to be "caught" with
his Mom or Dad) for a one-on-one conversation. If you have
"issues" to discuss, make sure that you use the
sandwich technique. Start by praising your teen for something
that you appreciate, put the "issue for improvement"
in the middle of the conversation, and then make sure to close
your conversation with lots of positives. Take your teen out
sometimes for ONLY positive discussion, to ask his/her opinion
on something fun like fashion, sports or music, or to dream
about vacation plans.
|
-
Invite feedback from your teen. Let him/her know
that you welcome input as long as it is given respectfully. Let
your teen know that all subjects are open to discussion, even
though as the adult you retain the right to make final
decisions.
-
Listen between the lines: if your teen seems
suddenly moody or difficult with you, it might not have anything
to do with you. Don't take it personally if he/she doesn't want
to talk about it. When you are down, it can be very frustrating
to have someone asking "What's wrong?" Let your teen
know that you care, and if he would like to talk about whatever
is bothering him, you will make time to listen.
-
Offer choices. Don't assume that your teen is in
the mood for a chat when you are. Let him/her offer an
alternative time for a discussion if it isn't a good time. You
can't force a good conversation, and I'm sure most of us have
experienced the frustration of trying to carry on a conversation
with a teen who gives the impression she would rather be getting
a root canal than having a friendly chat with a parent.
-
Keep your sense of humour. Laughter really is
the best medicine, and it is really hard to be sullen around
someone who is having fun! I have been known to physically pick
up a grumpy teenager and announce that "I'm not putting you
down until you smile". This is irresistible, but only works
when they haven't had a growth spurt yet. Be careful to have
fun, but never to tease a teen about a sensitive issue. Laugh at
yourself, not them!
-
Enjoy quiet times together even if you aren't
having a conversation. Comfortable silence is still
communicating the message of caring ie. Fishing, canoeing,
walking, cross-country skiing, washing dishes. You don't always
have to be talking to be fostering communication.
-
Listen to the music your teen listens to (even
if you don't like the style). You need to know what influences
your teen, and if you like it you will have something to talk
about. (Of course, if you really like it, your teen may decide
they don't like it after all!) My 18 year old daughter was
shocked to discover that I actually owned some CDs that she
likes! (She immediately borrowed them, semi-permanently of
course.) The same principle applies to TV shows and movies.
Don't be afraid to offer your opinion if you find their choices
unacceptable. You don't have to be "cool", you are the
parent. At least your teen will know you care enough to want to
know what they are watching and listening to.
-
Show affection in various ways - learn to speak
their "love language". Despite the perversions that
occur in our society, teens NEED non-sexual touch from their
parents. Don't be afraid to hug, ruffle their hair, squeeze
their shoulders etc. Show affection more than simply physically
- give verbal encouragement, write little notes, pick up a
little gift now and then, do one of their chores for "no
good reason" sometime. Our teens desperately need to feel
loved and important to us!
-
Never give up! Forgive easily! Teenagers are NOT
always easy to get along with (that isn't a news flash, is it?)
Do you remember being a teen yourself? Insist they apologize for
rude or disrespectful behaviour, but don't dwell on it. Continue
to treat them the way you wish to be treated, even when they
don't deserve it. Communicate love and compassion even when they
mess up!
Next month: 10 ways to teach your teen to develop
self-discipline.
Article
Archive Menu
|
|
